I just spent 2 and half hours… reading to myself…
Don’t get me wrong, it was a good read… had me choked up a couple of times, but it feels like a waste when I wanted to share it with others. The curse of a low traffic twitch channel. I am sure some people were lurking, twitch has unfortunately made lurking very unhelpful… a complaint for another time.
When do you start believing a compliment, or series of compliments? I’m curious about this because I am unnaturally skeptical of compliments, unfairly to those giving them. I want to believe that I am good at the things I am told I am good at, but the more I talk about my “accomplishments” the more I feel like I’m bragging and the more disgusted I feel about myself.
Now that doesn’t mean I plan to stop, or give up… too stubborn for that. But sometimes I am caught in the feeling of how futile it is, how alone I feel, how undeserving of praise I am. Even as I write this, I am tempted to delete every word and keep it to myself. I want to just let the words free, so that the next thing I write is from a place of warmth, creativity and brightness. Let the void have these insecurities.